So I have a new post to put in. 6 months after the last one...

THE YANKEES ARE WORLD CHAMPIONS!!!! 
They just won Game Six about an hour ago... and it feels GREAT.

Now of course, people could call me spoiled and that I'm backing the overdog and that my team doesn't deserve to win and yadda yadda yadda.

And of course, other Yankees fans would be like "F you guys you're just jealous, we're better than everyone your team sucks" etc. etc.

I'm a pretty humble fan. I know that most teams and their fans don't see a large string of championships. I know I backed the winningest franchise in sports history.
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I don't take anything for granted. I think I did when I was younger. I didn't go to any of the parades during the three-peat. (I sorta went to 1996, but I missed a lot of it). I was young, I liked baseball, but I had only been a fan for a few years. Now I'm 25, I'm an adult... this team means a little more to me. For the first time since 1996, I watched a lot of baseball on TV. I went to baseball games the past two years. I'm a much more intellectual, more informed baseball fan then I was when I was 14, 15, 16, etc. I cherished 1996 and 1998. I enjoyed 1999 and 2000... I think 2009 will have a special place in my heart, right behind 96 and 98. I love baseball, but this year, I was more involved with baseball than in the past. I won my first fantasy baseball championship... and I get to FULLY appreciate a Yankees championship, aware that this is something special.
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Looking back at my last baseball post, I noted what I said the Yankees could do to win a championship and have a successful season: "I'm a very optimistic person, and I think the Yankees COULD win it all... if Alex comes back and is an MVP, Tex gets on fire, Sabathia shuts down opponents, Wang recovers and Joba fines some control. Also, if the bullpen can give up less runs than innings pitched, that'd help.

Most of these things are possible, so I'm looking forward to 2009!"

And so I was partially right. A-Rod wasn't really an MVP candidate, but Texiera was. CC Sabathia was an ACE. Chien-Ming Wang never recovered, and Joba never showed enough control. The bullpen really strengthened down the stretch, thanks to the emergence of Alfredo Aceves, Phil Coke and Phil Hughes. The Yankees offense was terrific, the defense was its best in years, and the pitching was sharp. The team won 103 games.
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The Yankees finished the Twins off in the ALDS in 4 games. They then faced the Angels in the ALCS. The Angels, the team I despise the most, the team that beats the Yankees the easiest. They were the biggest challenge... and the Yankees overcame them in six. The World Series was next... and the Phillies.

As someone who used to root for the Mets (when I was 5 or 6, go back a few posts and you'll see that), I could never root for the Phillies. They were a division rival to a team in my hometown... I don't root for teams like that. But the Phillies have a good team. Their lineup was a balance of speed and power, with sluggers Utley and Howard and 20-20 guys like Jayson Werth. Their bullpen was tremendous in 2008,  but only average in 2009. Their starting pitching was also awesome, but spotty. Cole Hamels, the hero of 2008, was not the same in 2009. Cliff Lee, who came over mid-season, was INCREDIBLE. I respect the Phillies. I respect that they won the World Series last year, I respect their lineup, their pitchers and their manager, Charlie Manuel.

It took them six games, but my Yankees, who played defense and fought till the last out, won the World Series. They led the league in home runs and runs, but they didn't rely on the long ball to win every game, unlike 2003 - 2008. They were a scrappy bunch, led by The Captain, and a loose bunch, thanks to Nick "Swish-Hawk" (my nickname for him) Siwsher and AJ Burnett. They were a clutch bunch, 55 come from behind wins in the regular season.

They were like my favoirte team of all time: The 1996 New York Yankees.

I had a good feeling about this team as the season went on, and I'm so happy to see my feelings validated.

I never felt this way about the 1999 or 2000 teams, because they were expected to win. I took those for granted.

I will not take this championship for granted. I will cherish the 2009 New York Yankees. I will remember this season fondly. I went to the 2nd game at Yankee Stadium, and in the 89th, the Yankees have won it all. I wish I could've been there for every game in person, but I am elated that the New Yankee Stadium has been inaugurated with a World Series. What a way to make history at the new place!

So according to the LJ, it's been 5 weeks since I've posted anything... and A LOT has changed in 5 weeks.

I spent all of September practically at Midtown. A lot of people going to cons or vacation... not a lot of days off. I'm definitely not complaining, as I got financially compensated for my work, and despite whatever crap I get at the store, I like my job. I like being around comics and telling people about comics, and I'm grateful that the owners allow my brand of stupidity and silliness to be on their staff. But I would be lying if the long hours (40+ hours for a while) didn't take a toll on me. I find that I'm mentally exhausted a lot, I burn out a little quicker, and my desire to be around people has gone down. I'm outta vacation time for the year, but next year, I'm going to go away by myself, no friends, no nothing. I just need some alone time to be myself and do stuff I want and not have to give a shit about anyone or anything. Not that I don't like my friends or my life, but I want away from everything. A friend of mine told me about getting a cabin... sounds like a good idea...

I may have mentioned that I was working on a comic the last time I posted... yeah... it's a long, complicated story... and I don't want to cause unnecessary drama (again). All I'm going to say is, I was put in a bad position, and then the person I was working with had a lot of uncertainty ahead of him... and I'm just going to stay away. I wish him the best of luck with his studio, Future Unlimited Graffix. Right now, I just don't think investing myself into that project is good for me. Considering the stress levels of work that I went through, plus the uncertainties of the project... I think I might just move on. It was a great learning experience, and I taught myself a little bit about the industry as well as lettering. It's frustrating to go from almost putting a book out, to losing everything, but I learned my lessons and I'm going to be fine. I'm 25, I will find a way to succeed. Failure isn't failure, it's a lesson to be learned, and an adversity to be overcome.

Since I started working on that project, I've been changing my outlook on life, and the person I am. Or rather, the person under the personas. I just seem incapable of not playing a role... but that's not really on me. The persona is a construction of perspective. A combination of my behavior at a given moment, and the interpretation of that behavior by other people.  I can't deny that I'm not the way I behave, but I think the person underneath the craziness, over-enthusiasm and histrionics gets lost on people... and now I simply don't care. I am who I am, I don't care what people think. I don't care how people want to see me. I am what I am. I know what I want to do with my life, and nothing short of death, dismemberment, brain damage and/or natural disasters will stop me. Plain and simple.... well there's a matter of finding an illustrator... but I think I may go back to my original plan and go to prose... or I can keep searching. There are tons of possibilities. And I can take the rest of my life to explore them.

It's been quite the while since I posted any thoughts or anything, and A LOT has changed.

WRITING
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Wrayth is on hiatus, but not for any bad reasons. Around Late June I met an artist named Gil Sturla. He presented to me three books in ashcan form, and I liked the ideas he presented. His art is pretty good too, he understand storytelling and has a grip on anatomy. So I agreed to write one of his books.

Currently, we are done with scripting, pencilling and inking issue one. It's being colored by someone we met at this awesome burger/comic place... which is closing tomorrow. Gil's pretty aggressive and optimistic about the future of his properties and wants to form a studio. Those are great  things, and I'm going to be a part of them. I'm a little more reserved and cautious than Gil, because I know what the comic industry is and isn't, but I don't think that means we can't reach for the stars here.

I'm also helping out another artist by giving him a sequential script based on an idea he gave me. So my writing is progressing.

The one thing I'm worried about is being a one trick pony... even if my trick is awesome, frenetic action. I need to be able to tell dramatic scenes, purvey emotions and make people care about characters. That's the hard part of creating a story: Why should I care about these people?

MIDTOWN
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September is a huge OT month for me. People going on vacation and stuff means I'm going to spend a lot of time in store. It took it's toll this past week though. Spending a lot of time in store really burns me out on comics. It's not that I don't love comics any more or I don't like showing people comics... I just need time away from comics sometimes, and with me working on a book, it becomes that much harder. I'd go creatively stale otherwise. Luckily, I've rediscovered poker and am loving Arkham Asylum (still comics, but still AWESOME). A little bit of Star Trek in my life too. I'm a little joyless towards the end of these long stretches, but today was a much needed off day and I'm at peace with myself and a little happier.

The Mentals
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I've tried very hard to change my outlook and personality. Not in the sense that I'm a completely different person, but in the sense that I want to be more at peace with myself. My outward persona, "The Raph Radia" if you will, is hyperkinetic, all over the place, wild and crazy. When that's the person I project myself to be a majority of the time, people come to expect that or think that's all there is to me. Of course it'd be. You judge people by how they act, and their behavior in your presence informs the majority of your opinion of them. I also am oversensitive and my buttons are easy to push, so I'm working on that too. The inherent low self-esteem issues that come with being a self precieved (and somewhat confirmed by others) social outcast are working themselves out too. I've had a long standing streak of self hatred, so that's not so easy, but I'm making it through my days. It's nothing big, we ALL go through it, I'm just very vocal about my mindset and my process.

PODCASTING
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This has definitely suffered for all the work I'm doing and all the time I'm trying to spend relaxing. I've got an episode recorded that I haven't really edited, and I've also got plans for revamping the shows. Juan is pretty much gone, so I have to go recruiting guest hosts and what not.

I'm considering posting a synopsis of the very first Wrayth Story I did... stay tuned!

I finally found a direction for my comic book series Wrayth: The Legend of Michael Tang about 6 months ago. I met an artist who challenged me to expand my ideas and to not have a simple story full of cliches. I took that and am now trying to create something that may very well be beyond me.

I'm trying to play with the fabric of imagination. I'm trying to combine mythology with legend and the supernatural, the esoteric, the magic of life. Beyond our every day lives, we have ideas and hear stories about people who do extraordinary things. We watch shows and movies and read books about people who do the magnificent. These movies don't win Oscars, but they draw people by the millions to theaters, and become the fabric of our popular culture.

My personal philosophy is simply that everything is interrelated and connected. Everything. Why? Because everything we can conceive is humanly conceived. Nothing we understand is achieved through alien eyes or alien minds, it's through another person with the same physical composition and mental capabilities we all have. If you want to believe we all have the same potential, then we all then have the ability to understand what we think we don't understand. Whether through personality preferences or learned limitations, we lose or deny ourselves the ability to do whatever we want. We weren't born insecure or scared, we learn this.

I've had a lot of influences in my life, and I've spent a lot of time in fantasy. I've been reading comics and watching cartoons and movies since I was three years old. There's something about the fantastical that draws me... maybe it's because I've been watching this stuff more than I've lived in the real world. No parents means no one to take you out and play with others, so I've been in my mind for most of my life. So really my reality is the fantasy in some way. If I weren't aware of that, I'd be a lot stranger than I actually am. I'm a sponge though, I absorb everything, try to understand everything.

So that brings me back to legend and myth. Modern legends like Rambo and Bruce Lee and Superman serve the purpose of being our hero. Of doing what we don't think we can do or are afraid to do or simply can't do. They are amazing, superlative, but they aren't the first. Humanity as a whole has been doing this since time immemorial. We created deities in charge of the elements. We created men who were super powerful and performed amazing feats. Whether or not Hercules or Samson existed hardly matters, their stories are here today.

The legends of today though, they have no overt root into the past.  Superman is descended from two ideas: the idea of the strongman, and in some ways the idea of the savior. Considering Sigel and Shuster's Jewish heritage, and the fact that they took the name Kal-L from Hebrew, it loosely translates to "light of God", you can see that Superman has roots that date back centuries, but the modern comic book hero doesn't really play on that, nor does it really embrace mythology. Sure, Hercules and Thor have shown up in comics, and Wonder Woman is the champion of the ancient Olympian Gods, but there's no true passing of the torch. It's all implied and understood quietly.

Then you have what I call "postmodern heroes", people who don't wear bright costumes and appear in comics. Neo from the Matrix and all of the cast of Heroes, they are the next step towards a pseduo reality from our comic book heroes. Realism has always been a draw. The more realistic something looks, the more people enjoy it.

Which brings me to my heritage. I'm Chinese-American. I have a heritage that dates back to one of the first and one of the newest nations. I have tons of history to play with, and the freedom to express it. The rich history of China shows that the Chinese were innovating and creating things way before Europe, and that for the longest time East was dominating the West culturally, before the West finally caught up and the East crumbled. One of the last great innovators is just like me, a man who just had a documentary come out that I just finished watching as I type this: Bruce Lee.

Bruce changed ideas on fighting, philsophy and fitness. His idea was the most simple, and yet so poignant: remove the excess, remove the unnecessary  and keep what works, make it efficient. Adapt to the situation.  He did his own stunts and tried to make the fights as real as possible. Realism. True to life.

So then my goal is now to merge the current superhero legend into the greater world mythology, to bring the past into the present, and to present it realisitcally.

Hello sci-fi. Genetics, parallel universes, alternate histories and possibilites made real.

All of this is going into Wrayth: The Legend of Michael Tang. If this book isn't one of the best books out in the market when I finally get all the research and ideas together solidly and premiere it, then we'll all know I'm an incompetant writer. And I know I'm not an incompetant writer.

In other words, I'm getting psyched to kick the shit out of your brain and blow it up with a 20 megaton bomb.

So if I've been doing a lot of talking and not a lot of showing, it's because I'm still putting my ideas and my thoughts together.

But that's what I think about on a daily basis. Isn't life GRAND?!?

Wrapping up my Yankees discussions, I have a lot of thoughts about this new season, especially after month 1.

This team could be special, or it could be the most disappointing 200 million dollar team.

I went with Ian Levenstein, host of the Sporting Goods and fellow Yankee fan, to Game 2 at the New Yankee Stadium. One thing I definitely felt was awe over the size of the place, especially the great hall. It definitely feels different from the old Stadium, a lot of open spaces, a lot of room. It's just... epic. They didn't play around with this place.

Another thing I noticed is that Joba Chamberlain gets into high pitch counts, that the Yankees hit nothing but solo homers to score, in addition to a fielding error.

And then there's the games I wasn't at. The games I've watched and read about. Let's break it down:

The Line-up:

SS Derek Jeter - having an okay start to the season.
LF Johnny Damon - No real complaints here either
1B Mark Texiera - Slow start, known for these. Not feeling too happy about it, but if and when he gets hot, I'm sure I'll get over it.
C Jorge Posada - Glad he's back to normal, having a great April.
DH Hideki Matsui - I really think he's done. His knees bother him all the time... he just can't be a major producer anymore.
2B Robinson Cano - Off to a great start, this is what he needs to do all season long.
RF Nick Siwsher - I love his energy. He's a great guy to have.
3B Cody Ransom - I expect defense and a little offense. Just defense. Now out for a few months.
CF Brett Gardner - I love his scrappiness, but he's not hitting either. Usually okay, but not when half the line-up isn't producing

Bench:
Angel Berroa - Made error. Replacing Ramiro Pena on bench. Needs to be better.
Ramiro Pena - Replacing Ransom. Hopefully he can at least duplicate Ransom
Jose Molina - My favorite back catcher since Flaherty.
Xavier Nady - So sad about his injury, his walk year. Hope he recovers and has a good season.

Starting Rotation:
CC Sabathia: Like Tex, he's a slow starter, but this is hurting.
Chien-Ming Wang: That injury last year has made him the worse pitcher I've ever seen. He needs to bounce back.
AJ Burnett: My new favorite. Great poise, got bombed by Boston though... but he's a gamer
Andy Pettite: Back to the Andy of old. Doing a good job.
Joba Chamberlain: Too many high pitch counts, not very efficient. Still learning.

Bullpen
Mariano Rivera: had his one bad game against the Sox.
Brian Bruney: If he could stay healthy, he'd be the best set up man since the Dynasty
Rest of Bullpen = Teh Suck. I don't even wanna get into it. They just have to improve. They show flashes.

I'm a very optimistic person, and I think the Yankees COULD win it all... if Alex comes back and is an MVP, Tex gets on fire, Sabathia shuts down opponents, Wang recovers and Joba fines some control. Also, if the bullpen can give up less runs than innings pitched, that'd help.

Most of these things are possible, so I'm looking forward to 2009!

Continuing what I started last week. I grew up a Yankees fan in the 90's, and they gave me the benefit of 4 championships. Their resurgence brought them back into the national spotlight, and by 2000, the guys who took pitches and didn't put up gaudy numbers were now All-Stars. In the era of McGuire/Sosa/Bonds juicing and boosting, my New York Yankees sent most of their team to the All-Star Game. There were two problems though, both related.

One: The Core of the Yankees teams was getting older. Only Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada, Bernie Williams, Andy Pettite and Mariano Rivera were under age 30 by 2000. Tino, Brosius, Paulie... they were getting older. By 2001, they were headed out, either into retirement or other teams.

Two: George M. Steinbrenner III, the owner of the New York Yankees, loves power. Power pitching, power hitting.He was never happy that the championship teams didn't have a slugger. That's why he got Darryl, why he got Irabu, and Clemens. He wanted pitchers throwing gas and hitters swatting 400 ft. moonshots.

Enter the 21st century. Enter the end of my New York Yankees.

To be fair, the team has been successful, but the team I had grown to love was barely a remnant. Looking back at the additions, you can see positives and negatives:

2002:
David Wells: Known winner, but aging retread. Ended up costing us the 2003 World Series with injury.
Jason Giambi: Great power hitter, but steroid offender and he became a pull hitter who hit for low average, as opposed to the .300 - 40 - 120 guy he was in his MVP year
Rondell White: Had nothing left
Robin Ventura: Veteran in the twilight of his career.
Jeff Weaver: Really? Need I say more.

SEASON ANALYSIS: They were beat by a younger, more athletic Angels team. They really should have focused on youth and defense.

2003: Jose Contreras: Gave us one good season. Wasn't as good as El Duque
Hideki Matsui: Declining health has sapped any potential from Matsui. Had some good years, but nothing spectacular.

SEASON ANALYSIS: Not enough pitching. Beginning of the end, as the team brought in bad pitchers and focused on getting sluggers who don't field well.

2004: Alex Rodriguez: The antithesis of the Yankee way of the 90's: selfish, me-first, high maintenece. I don't hate Alex, but I wasn't please when we got him. I would've preferred the Angels' Chone Figgins or someone else.

Gary Sheffield: Another power guy who was a liability on the field. I didn't hate Gary, in fact I thought he was a good player, but with Giambi and Matsui, the defense of the team stank to high heaven.

Javier Vasquez: I don't think he got a fair chance to succeed. One season does not a career make. Too bad.
Kevin Brown: I remember the Yankees destroying him in the World Series in 1998... why would you get someone you beat up on?
Kenny Lofton: Bernie was declining, but Kenny wasn't an amazing player either.

SEASON ANALYSIS: They were close to beating the Sox, but you can tell this team was more mercenary than warrior. The team lacked heart, chemistry and the ability to bounce back.

2005: Randy Johnson: Ultimate proof about players needing the ability to handle New York.
Carl Pavano: Has no tolerance for pain. Didn't use his head. Worst free-agent signing in recent Yankees history.
Jaret Wright: Was good early in career. Not so good with Yankees. Injuries also factor. Bad deal.

SEASON ANALYSIS: Another wipeout by the Angels. Again, youth and defense serves the Angels well.

2006: Johnny Damon: First legit lead-off hitter for the Yanks since Knoblauch. Not a bad addition, but also a player on the decline defensively.

Kyle Farnsworth: Fireballer who did little to nothing.

Cory Lidle: Had an ok season, followed by a horrible, fatal accident. RIP Cory. What else can I say? I refuse to talk bad about someone who died before he was supposed to.

Bobby Abreu: Great fantasy player, not so great right fielder. Seems to be doing well in Anahein, good for him.

SEASON ANALYSIS: Too reliant on the long ball still. Pitchers didn't perform.

2007: Kei Igawa: the 2nd worst free-agent signing in recent Yankees history.
Andy Pettite: He should never have left pinstripes.
Roger Clemens: Aging legend in decline. Also steroids user. Blargh.

SEASON ANALYSIS: Maybe if Torre stopped the game for Joba, they woulda beat the Indians. I doubt it. Starting to make the turn around.

2008: Re-sign A-Rod: As much as people don't like him, his production is useful. Despite the conception that he only produces when behind big or up big, he was huge in 2007.

Joe Girardi: Replacing beloved Joe Torre, got off to rocky start. Team is still like previous teams, so he didn't have much to work with.

SEASON ANALYSIS: Girardi's first year as manager was ok, not spectacular. The empahsis on young pitching started to show, as well as some youth in the field, with Melky Cabrera and Brett Gardner.

The overall theme is that Steinbrenner's desire to get sluggers and pitchers who didn't necessarily fit into the Yankees enviornment, has changed the team fundamentally. Financially, the team grew. On the field, the team still won more than it lost, but it lost the most important part of the championship Yankees.

It lost it's soul.

For the final part, I'm going to take a look at this season, the New Yankee Stadium, and what I think of the future of the organization that I love.

So continuing my thoughts on one of my bigger passions: baseball, I figure that this is probably the most important part.

The Last Great Dynasty of Baseball: The 1996 - 2001 New York Yankees.

Something about the new millenium changed sports, because since that year I can't really think of any team really winning championships back to back, except maybe the Patriots. The LA Lakers finished off their 3-peat in 2002, the Devils last won in 2003, even the Pats last won in 2003. It's really interesting how teams radically changed after that.

But before that, the New York Yankees proved to be the greatest winners in all of sports. By the time their run was over, they had won 26 championships in their storied past, and they also made a whole bunch of bandwagon fans along the way, as well as a whole slew of haters. When it comes to people, particularly with sports, people tend to hate successful teams, especially if it's at the expense of their own team.

Now, of course with the signings of Doc and Darryl in 2006, and with my first year watching the Yankees coming in the first year they made the playoffs, it could be construed that I am a bandwagon guy. As stated in my previous entry, I've been enamored with the history of the Yankees for a long time, and really, there was no incentive to follow another team. Why shouldn't I root for the home team? And to be quite honest, I was interested in the Mets and what they were doing in Flushing during the late 90's too. I don't hate the Mets like some Yankees fans do. I bear the Mets no ill will. They started my baseball interested, it's just that I had no body to enjoy the game with.

So, 1996 was a huge year for me. I was starting junior high, I was getting more responsibilities, I was fending for myself for the first time really, as I stopped going to afterschool programs. I learned to cook for myself. And on weekends and evenings I would watch Yankees games on TV or listen on the radio. That's about when I started to get this complex about being a jinx.

A couple of times when I watched or listened, the Yankees lost. I was wondering if it was because I was watching the games, that maybe I'm a bad luck charm. It's tortured me until last year, but I'll get to that next time. It was particularly painful in the playoffs, especially when Texas won the first game of the ALDS... even more so when Atlanta went up 2 - 0. I watched the comebacks though, and felt really encouraged. One thing about me as a kid, and even now, I'm very emotional. I let my emotions take me over, making me very excitable, angry, sad, etc. etc. Each moment of any sort of emotion is intense for me. That really had me all over the place during the 1996 World Series. All the rallies, the great plays, the fear and anxiety... drove me nuts. But they won.

They lost in 1997, but I didn't pay any attention really. I thought one was good enough. I always felt fortunate to witness a team I like win a championship. I was a Houston Rockets fan earlier and I watched Hakeem "The Dream" Olajuwon destroy all of his peers on the way to his 2nd championship, but that was about it.

The Yankees gave me 4 championships and 5 World Series appearences. After 18 years of not winning championships, the Yankees did it repeatedly during my adolesence.

It's why I'm not an obnoxious Yankees fan, one that expects the World Series every year, that sticks it in the face of other baseball fans. I don't need to. I got a great run out of my team, the likes of which may never happen again. I'm happy with that. Does that mean I'll be happy to never see another championship again? No, that's just asinine, but I'm a firm believer in "there's always next year". And maybe that makes me somewhat entitled, knowing my team will always be in the running, but I'd rather be positive about things in life, and enjoy them, then bitch about every little problem or mistake (like most Asian parents do). I didn't watch every game, but the Yankees Dynasty will always have a warm spot in my heart.

Since I'm doing memoir-ish entries, and since I don't want to be such a downer, I thought I'd just write about my life and different aspects of it. Just as an exercise. I haven't really written with any consistancy in the past year, despite my stated desire to be a writer. So I'm gonna get back into the swing of things. Also, with the season opener at Yankee Stadium today, I feel nostalgic. I'm going to my first game at the stadium tomorrow1

I'm very vocal about my comics passion, and perhaps I'll commit that to the annals of this journal next time, but I was a baseball fan before I collected comics. To be clear, I started getting into Superman and other heroes when I was 3 years old, but I knew about Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Darryl and Doc not too soon after, and I didn't buy comics regularly until I was 12.

The love affair with baseball really started when I was in Kindergarten. I was in a Catholic school, and I VAGUELY remember one day in class recieving baseball cards, and I vaguely knew about the Mets '86 championship (they won when I was 2), and that Darryl Strawberry was on the Simpsons. When I was in 3rd grade, I was in the children's choir (not by choice), and the choir was offered the chance to sing at Shea Stadium, my dad wouldn't sign the permission slip. It was too late at night, and I could get attacked (because being in a large group with adults wasn't safe enough). So I was THIS close to being a Mets fan.

When my parents separated, and nearly divorced, my mom took me and my brother and moved into Manhattan. The drama of the moving, the heartache and pain and trauma that was done to me, is all very sad and hurtful, but the point is that I moved. My parents then reconciled, and moved into the current apartment we live in. Seward Park is nearby, as is the library located there. I was a bookworm when I was a kid, but I also liked to play Whiffle ball and basketball. I read up on all of the baseball greats, and a lot of them were Yankees. I was, and still am, very competitive, and I wanted to be a good player. I didn't get to play whiffle ball much, but I jumped at every chance. If only I got to play baseball, or softball even, but that was a combination of not knowing where to go, and being a shut-in.

Around the same time I started getting into baseball, the strike happened. I remember that New York Newsday had a striking image on it's front cover. It was a black cover with a baseball on it that stated baseball was dead. I cut the image out for a school project, but that always shook me, because Superman had died only a few years ago (I didn't know he came back). I was worried that I'd never see baseball at all, so I read up on all the greats.

When baseball did come back, I started to follow it. I'd buy the occassional newspaper. I didn't watch my first game until the Yankees traded for David Cone, which was in July of 1995. What kept me on board was Cone and an old favorite: Darryl Strawberry. The last game of the year, Game 5, I remember watching until they pulled David Cone after 145 pitches. I couldn't bear to watch. They lost that game, and I wondered if it was my fault. So started my self precieved jinx.

To be continued.

For all of my introspection, outtrospection and interspection, I tend to over-intellectualize a lot of things, and completely miss other things. Of course the things I've failed to really understand are ironically about me. Or things that I knew instinctively, but I haven't really completely shed light on.

So this year has been a growth year. I'm out of school. I'm baby-stepping my way into the comics industry. I was completely irresponsible with my finances and let myself go. And now I'm starting to rein everything back in.

I have a release date for my comic book. Baby steps:

Step 1: Become a ridiculous fanboy - Done
Step 2: Work for a comic book store - Done
Step 3: Put myself out there to industry people - Done... but not very well.
Step 4: Write my stories
Step 5: Get published
Step 6: Become prominent
Step 7: Ascend the throne of Comicsdom. Have fanboys carry me around.

Step 3 and it's only been 4 years since I determined to write comics. And it's only been 12 months since I got actually started. Of course the Chinese in me is of course bitterly disappointed that I'm not a billionaire and running this planet and bringing about the GREATEST UTOPIA THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN! I AM THE GREATEST HUMAN MIND TIMES 10!!!!!

But of course, Ridiculous Asian Family Expectations (now known as RAFE) aside, I'm very happy with myself. I've made peace with RAFE... because honestly they don't know me, they aren't involved in my life too much, and my life is my own. I've unleahsed the shackles of Deadly self RAFE. Is it completely off my back? No, I don't think it ever will. But I'm defintely freer than I've ever been.

So yeah, it's been a good year. My podcast has suffered, but I plan on changing that. I'm scripting new material, and working on a new persona.

Great stuff. Great stuff.

Now, normally this could go 1 of 2 ways:

1) As a liberal, I can completely bash McCain/Palin and destroy everything they say and mock them until I get myself into a frothy rage.

or

2) My skull cracks in half, I suddenly think owning a gun is more important than my freedom to say what I want and not get thrown in jail, and I hail Sarah Palin as the second coming.

I'm gonna be honest, I'm probably gonna lean more towards 2, or at least sound like it.

Why? I don't think John McCain is Satan and Sarah Palin is the coming of the Apocalypse. I don't.

I've spoken about this on my podcast, but I'll do it here too. Considering McCain has touted himself as a Maverick and how he's stood against his party a great deal of times. Well that means two things:

1. He's voting with the Democrats
2. He's a hypocrite.

My big reason for disliking McCain is also the reason why he's going up against Obama -- He went crawling back into the safety of the party line and decided to do things the way the Republican party does it. He hired the people behind the W. campaign for cryin' out loud! How exactly does that say "Maverick"? You're going to hire the people who ran the campaign of the person you're distancing yourself from? You're embracing the party you supposedly go against?

Objectively, McCain is doing the right thing. Running independent is like running a race, but against Olympic level athletes. The two party system controls our government, for better or worse. He brought aboard people who have won elections before, he understands that he needs to embrace the right, including the loony ones, to win the election.

Speaking of the loony ones... Sarah Palin, you are such a folksy, darling of a snarlin' idiot monster. You are the new Right Wing Loony. You are the updated Geroge W., one for the 21st century: charasmatic, passionate, and a woman. Is she those things to me? Not really... well she IS a woman, but she's not after me, she's after her fellow zealots. She is the new mascot for the Religious Right. I've read and seen different stories about how there are those in the Republican Party who see her as the future.

The problem with coming out as a potential darling for your political party is that it is very public and your mistakes are multiplied and magnified. Tina Fey has become my image of Sarah Palin. Again, my opinion doesn't matter, I am not a Republican, so she's not after my support. I do find it interesting though, because she is going to be better than what she's been. She may look stupid now, but she was thrust into the national spotlight a mere 2 months ago. She's from a state with a moderate population. She's had little to no experience in dealing with what she's dealing with now.

Now imagine her in 4 years, groomed by the best in the Republican Party's arsenal.

Scary ain't it? A religious zealot that speaks eloquently and knows the issues and doesn't imply that big cities aren't "real America"...

Know the person you're backing, but know their opponents as well. Understanding who you don't want to win will keep your eyes open in the case they win.

Voting for Barack in about two weeks...

So April is upon us, and along with Juan, I have successfully put out 3 episodes in 1 month! Go us!

There' still so much to do, I've had these shows in the pipeline for sometime:

Chuck discussion, Strangers in Paradise discussion, Playing for Keeps Discussion with Mur Lafferty...

everything just keeps getting pushed back and pushed back. My schedule is always up in the air, and Juan's schedule is pretty tight too.

On a brighter note, I went to my very first Yankees game today! And they won! I got to see Phil Hughes, Joba Chamberlain and Mariano Rivera pitch live for the first time....

Hughes and Joba are AMAZING. Mariano is also a force to be reckoned with. I'd heard it on the radio all the time about how they were toying with hitters, but to see it in person...

And to see 98 mph in person vs. on TV is incomparable...

A-Rod went 0 for 4 as the team struggled for offense again... must be the cold weather.

Going to give Shea a try next week! I want to see how much of a garbage dump it is! Or so other fans have claimed!

Haven't posted here in a LONNNGG time, so let's get up to speed.

I turned 24 on March 7th. I started working at Midtown Comics on Feb. 5th or 6th.

Life is good. Went to MegaCon for my birthday weekend. Cool times.

I'm slowly working on getting my podcasts and writing into order.

It's my year of the Zodiac, the Rat. 12 years ago, I thought I'd be doing great things or have done some by now. I haven't.

Not disappointed in myself too much, but I could be doing way better. Trying to push myself harder.

I've gotten tired of hanging out just for the sake of it. I've wasted 4 years doing that, and I need to get on my game.

I should have more scripts done. I should be making more contacts. I should have more money saved. I should be on my way out the door and into my own apartment.

Should should should, always with the shoulds.

Just finished putting together episode 22 of Geeks Unite, should be putting it up shortly.

1. Go to sleep and wake up more consistantly.
2. Get a job
3. Resuscitate my social life.
4. Win at least $500 playing poker, assuming I don't play 1/2, if I do then that number should significantly increase
5. Don't lose sight of my goals and dreams.
6. Make at least $10,000 - $20,000 to start off.
7. Save $5,000
8. Keep myself under 190 lbs. (I fluctuate heavily)
9. Be a better Raph
10. Go see a Yankees game before the Olde Stadium closes down

Comics related
1. Try to limit myself to 60 books a month
2. Write a script a month to start out the year, speed up by the end of the year
3. Work at Midtown Comics maybe?
4. Do 2 podcast episodes a month
5. Save up for 2009 Con Season
6. No miniseries under 6 issues, wait for the trade
7. No picking up a book for a run shorter than 6 issues, I've gotta be comitted for the long haul
9. Find an artist for my scripts.
10. Put my scripts on the forum so everyone can berate me for being an uninspired hack, or ask me for the number of the dealer I use.
11. Use EBay/In Stock Trades/Amazon for Trades. No more full price for me!

Ohhhh how I hate Emo Raph. Or Angsty Raph. Born out of watching too much Dawson's Creek and beeing waaaay too emotional for his own good.

Y'know most people when they're about to graduate college think, "WOW, I'm going to go into the world and make my name." Okay, that's bullshit. Most people just want to find a good job and stuff.

I'm one of the people who, socialized by TV and Movies, am unfortunate enough to believe that I can do what I want. I'm also a cynic. It's like being Sylar, I can see how things work, and how things probably are going to end up.

Like anybody who wants to pursue their dreams, there's that rude awakening. I've already done it mentally. Marvel and DC don't pick up writers off the street. There will be no breaking in like Jim Shooter did with Legion of Superheroes at the age of 13. Or creating a billion dollar franchise character like Siegel and Shuster did at 15. The market for independents is very small. I'd be lucky to sell a few thousand copies, if I find a publisher. It's a lonely life. I don't know many people who want to pursue this dream. My parents would go apeshit (I'm Chinese, it's a cultural thing). Some people have wanted me to go get a real job, others have wanted me to do things I'm not good at (that I ultimately end up wasting my time there).

This isn't about finding myself or whatever. I know who I am. I know what I'm capable of.

This is me being scared shitless about if I actually have the stones to follow through and deal with the rejection, the lean days and the adversity. The self doubt I have to put myself through.

Where the hell is my eyeliner and my long hair?

Emo Raph definitely needs to grow a pair and man up. Everyone else has to deal with this shit and so do I. And I'm actually pursuing my dream. I'm not going into a career I'll hate, not taking more school I'll be bored at.

I wasn't built for careers. Or desks. Or boredom. I'm an imagination workshop, churning out ideas between words.

In all honesty, without arrogance, I can be a doctor, engineer, psychiatrist, teacher, historian, lawyer... I have the skill set. I have the brain. I DON'T have the most important thing - the desire. I don't care to be any one of those things except the historian thing, but as an amateur one.

I can do this. I keep trying to believe that. I can do this. I can write scripts. I can tell stories. I know I can. If you don't think I can, you don't know me at all. At. All. You've never spent time with me, you've never read anything I've done. You're basically talking out of your ass and want to beat on someone who's emotionally venting because you yourself are emotionally dead inside.

See how I did that? Dealing with other people's BS preemptively? It's a gift.

Don't need to take that crap, nobody does.

Oh Emo Raph, when will you learn? This is life. Stop being scared. Go for it. Starve a little, suffer a little. Then live big.

I swear to you, you will be paying me to entertain you one day. And I will deliver. Better than most. I promise I will be taking money out of your pocket at the comic shop, the movie theater, the DVD store and online. I will.

Sounds malicious doesn't it? Just good ol' pure capitalism. Nothing wrong with that. We all make and give money to each other. Otherwise there'd be no business.

I'm gonna get shot saying stupid stuff like that aren't I? You're not supposed to enlighten the masses to your master plan, genius!

And this is the crap that goes through my head when I'm scared about my future and Emo Raph pops out.

I wish they could pay me for doing this. I'd let him run full tilt.

I don't think the average person could handle my thinking process.

I think drug addicts get high to feel the way I do.

I think this would be a good chapter in a Warren Ellis novel.

So I barely passed my midterm and I barely finished two papers. I've got some ideas for my podcast. Not much happened during the week.

Saturday was the main event. The Meanies invaded. We had a great time drinking and comic shopping and drinking and eating and drinking and walking and drinking.

Okay I exaggerate, I didn't drink that much. I'm not racuous, loud, obnoxious drunk. I fall asleep, so I spaced it out greatly. Hadn't had that much beer in a long time though, not since my freshman days, or maybe at one of them Primerican team parties that I went to. Good times though. I hadn't walked so much in a while, but it felt good, especially when the rain stopped.

What did we do? Well I showed up late (fashionably of course) at Jim Hanley's Universe, across from the Empire State Building. We then went to a local pub to have lunch. Good stuff. The ladies, Iz and Hesse, went with Chris up Fifth Avenue to Tiffany's, whilst Rich, myself and Alan White headed to Cosmic Comics on 23rd and more drinks. We all walked up to Rockefeller to meet up, rested our feet, then headed to John's Pizza. Met up with Joe and Jimmy of CNI and Denise of BoG, and all had pizza and fun. Then drinks, then staggering back to the Meanies' hotel, then staggering home. Had so much fun and laughs with everyone. I suck when I have a few drinks in me though, and I wish I had a more entertaining host.

Did some napkin sketch commissions - For Chris, I did a Wonder Woman. For Iz, she eagerly desired a Harley Quinn with an elephant, with skates. On either one. I did Harley with skates, and the elephant had a skate on it's trunk. For Amy, I gave her a better drawing of herself, which I handed to Denise.

Today looks F'in beautiful, so I may do my reading for my classes outside today. I woke up about 4 hours ago, so my window of sunlight is small.

Also got some good news, my paper due this week was pushed back. I CAN RELAX! Sort of. I have a few extra days, but I still gotta get 'er done.

As my college career comes to a close, I've been forced to consider a lot of things.

My life is starting. Seriously. No more head in the sky, bullshitting around and having fun. Time to get serious about what I want.

What do I want? To be a comic book writer. I think about it all the time. I think of storylines for my own work. I'm trying to do stuff that involves major characters in order to get the practice in. I want to do what the Image guys did: create a lasting superhero universe.

The cons of my dream: No money. I already come from a poor background. I live off of my mom. I HATE that. I HATE being dependent STILL on my family. I had thought that by the time I was 21 or 22, I'd be ready to graduate and move out. I share a room with a 16 year old brother. I'm embarrassed by my situation most of the time. I hate it with a passion. Not that I hate my family, far from it. I don't want to be a burden anymore. And I know I am, and I know my mom is very strained, and I know my brother is struggling and that he needs more attention and help from me. I know this family at the very least needs me to not take money out of their pockets, and ideally wants me to give money to them to help them support themselves.

I NEED to make money. I NEED to be productive. Comic book writing, while fulfilling all my dreams and making me the happiest person alive, would take years before I made any substantial money in the field, years I would be living lean, and possibly STILL off my parents.

I swore to myself that I'd be financially self sufficient by my mid 20's. And I want to be, but it looks VERY bleak right now. Maybe because I'm just scared because this is a new experience, and this is a MAJOR step in my life, but still, I NEED to get something going.

My friend De Yuan from junior high introduced me to this company that pays you very well the more you work and the more you build a team up. He introduced me to it, and promptly did nothing. I can't blame him for my own ineptitude at the business of Primerica, but I can blame him for sapping my time away.

The man has a way with words, and so if I say I MIGHT go hang out with him, he will turn it to I WILL. That's some powerful persuasion skills, which is part of leadership. And yet nearly three years into being in Primerica, and I haven't been doing a thing really. I made maybe a thousand dollars, and really it's my fault, but when the person who's supposed to be guiding you always asks you to HANG OUT and DO NOTHING, what the hell??? I spent three years HANGING OUT, PLAYING GAMES, WASTING TIME. I. HATE. WASTING. TIME. I may not have said that 3 years ago, but I've learned from my mistakes. I don't want to waste time anymore. THIS could be considered wasting time, but I'm also very emotionally fragile, and I just need to let it out and vent so I can move on.

Not that I don't like hanging out with people, but I don't like doing it SEVEN DAYS A WEEK with the SAME PEOPLE. Or even TWO DAYS A WEEK. I have so many people I don't say hi to or see that I feel guilty, I want to spread my hanging out time with different people, so I can keep in touch with people and NOT GET SICK OF hanging out with "the regulars".

To be truthful, I haven't regularly hung out with the "Primericans" (the unproductive ones) in a few months. But I still don't feel like going back and trying just yet. My heart isn't into it. I need to build an actual adult life before I can build some sort of business and override it and stuff. You have to have a steady base to work off of before you can do anything.

With comics, I have a very steady base. I've read them for more than half of my life, I understand how to write them, I understand the characters, and my passion is red hot for the medium. People who talk to me know this. So I have a decent base, it's just getting myself out there.

And there's all that uncertainty. The judgments on your work. The reality that a independent company is a VERY fragile thing and they can't take chances on an unknown kid who has an ENTIRE UNIVERSE he wants to do.

If I self publish, it's very lonely and very personally expensive. How will I finance this?

Dreams are never easy to make into reality, but they are worth it. That's the thin hope I carry every day. I pray it's right. I pray I'm right. All the time. Endlessly.

CGS 300 was the best 3 days of my life. I had so much fun. We had a hilarious 4 - 5 hour car ride down and we ate at a ROY ROGERS! There's like only 1 in New York City, so that was cool.

We got there, unloaded our stuff, then went to Third and Spruce to meet up with the geeks for the dinner event. Had to be about 100 people there. Erica Hesse fought Jun Bob Kim and "won". For more on that check The Comic Forums or listen to A Half Hour Wasted. I met so many forum people, some of them are a blur in my head. Had sooo much fun. We left early-ish to go to Shady Maples early on Saturday. Ian had been there 10 years ago and remembered it as awesome, so we all decided to go.

We got back to the room, couldn't sleep. Watched Avatar season premiere with Ian. Went to bed, couldn't sleep. Got maybe 15 minutes. Went to Shady Maples with Ian, Juan and Brandon... that is one awesome

Smörgåsbord!!

Got to Fairgrounds Mall, went to Golden Eagle. Hung out with more geeks. I was really tired to be honest. I was really irritable that night, but let's get back to the middle of the day. I went diving through quarter bins, got some finds. I also decided to go nuts and gave out a bunch of napkin sketches. It's my creative expressionism I suppose. I like to draw, but I'm not very good at anatomy and stuff. I draw like any 8 year old kid would. The fact that so many people actually said they'd take a sketch flattered me.

In my strange mind, in my tired mind, I did what I really wanted. I want to be an artist sketching at a table and giving people my work. Now I LOVE scripting my stories, it's a lot of fun, but I'd LOVE even MORE to draw them myself. I'm not there yet, and I don't know if I'll ever be, but it's something I still want.

So anyway, the recording goes off great. Everyone laughs and jokes, there were a few tearjerker moments, but it was great fun. The NYC Grey Ghost Crew went to Mongolian BBQ with Just Bill, Sean and Jim of Raging Bullets and a few others to grab eats before meeting at 3rd and Spruce.

Third and Spruce was loud, but cool. I did more sketches and I did some chatting. I was so drained at that point though. We left at about 11 and went back to the room to record. I was kinda cranky before the recording, and it showed a little when we recorded. I just was so drained and exhausted. I slept on the floor, on top of my book bag at first and then with a blanket as a pillow. Juan said he kicked me a few times hard. I must've slept pretty damn deeply.

We woke up early again, hoping to get to Shady Maples, but alas, being Dutch and all, they were closed on Sunday. Before leaving for Shady Maples though, Jun Bob Kim, awesome artist, did a Superman sketch for me and we talked art. He actually took the time to critique my work and tell me what I needed to do and how to do it. I really appreciated that a lot. Not a lot of people, hardly any, have encouraged me as an artist. Hell, not a lot encourage me as a writer. I tend to be over-reliant on this stuff because I spent most of my childhood alone without positive reenforcement, and trying to make up for it is just meh, but enough psychoanalysis of myself. We ended up at a nearby breakfast place. Bumped into Jamie D of the Geeks. Talked some more, had some fun. Went back to Golden Eagle, participated in trivia. Shared some mellow times. I tried to be mellow, I really did. Couldn't pull it off. Went back to NY. Passed out for 15 minutes. Woke up, energetic as usual. Went home. Hungry, but happy. Great weekend. My only regret was not bringing enough money.

Since 300, I've been in a malaise, missed a bunch of classes, but I'm starting to get into focus. Geeks Unite! is back on the rails, and I've done some character mapping for my Magnum Opus project. Been thinking about doing other stuff, like DC/Marvel stuff too. Can't really create my Magnum Opus and have it sell well if I'm not already a name brand.

Still talking to my ex, sometimes I wonder what might've been. It hurts every now and then, but when you dwell on a hard time in your life, it will sting. I'm over her, it's not like we can get back together or anything, so I've moved on. Still, it's hard sometimes. Remembering how good things were. Eh, I'll live. I've survived in an emotional vacuum for years now, and maybe that's the problem with me. I'm very emotionally intense, and it's a detriment at times. But whatever, all I care about is graduating, finding a decent paying job, and then focusing on my work. It's all about my work.

I feel good. I'm in pretty good place, just want to move out and get some stories done. My only worry is playing with other people's toys, but I'm sure editorial will help a lot.

In about 17 hours, I will be on my way to CGS 300.

Okay, so I have a lot of explaining to do on why that's important, because most of y'all don't know what I mean. Y'all. Did I really type that? Try to imagine me ghetto when I say that, because I'm more ghetto than southern.

ANYWAY.

I got my iPod in May of '06. By August of '06 I was pretty bored. My friend mentioned podcasts to me. I didn't give it much thought. When the semester came though, I had a lot of free time. I decided to find some comic book podcasts. I found SuperTalk!Concern, a Superman Returns fansite. (www.bluetights.net). It was very informative about the movie and I went back and downloaded all the back episodes. I thought they were good, but I wanted more. I stumbled onto a few new ones in October, Raging Bullets, Around Comics and Bullpen Bulletins to name a few. (www.ragingbullets.com) (www.aroundcomics.com) (Bullpen Bulletins is now defunct, go check out Marvel Noise over at www.comicbooknoise.com if you're interested in more).

I tried listening to all of them, but I didn't have THAT much free time. To be honest, I dropped Around Comics and I didn't try to listen to Comic Geek Speak, or CGS (www.comicgeekspeak.com), because I didn't think I could fit it all in.

Then I heard about CGS 200 from the host of Raging Bullets. I thought I'd give CGS a try. All of these podcasts, with the exception of SuperTalk, Around Comics and Bullpen Bulletins, had a forum site where they were all listed together. I happened to only post on the Raging Bullets one. I eventually found my way to the CGS one, and I saw that a group of people were meeting up to hang out. I decided to join in, and I learned more about the world of comics podcasting, how people were enjoying their comics and doing the show. I eventually met Peter Rios of CGS and he told us about how he started. So I wanted to start my own podcast. By the time New York Comic-Con 2007 came around, I had put up my first episode. At New York Comic-Con, I met everyone. The CGS crew, the Raging Bullets guys, the Around Comics guys... and I was so ecstatic. I met a large group of people who I could identify with. Who loved comics about the same way I did, who weren't ashamed of it, and who tried to be positive about the medium.

I was in heaven.

Since then, I've had computer problems and I've had life kick me in the nuts and tell me "YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW! YOU GOTTA LIVE FOR YOURSELF AND BY YOURSELF NOW! GET TO WORK!!!"

...

Scary.

But anyway, after meeting all these people, and knowing EVEN MORE would be at CGS Episode 300, I resolved myself to going to the show.

It all starts tomorrow. I'm so giddy right now.

Maybe you'll say it's pathetic that I'm dying to meet other comic book geeks, that I need to get a real life/get a girlfriend/get whatever you think is socially acceptable.

Most people I know wouldn't say that to me, I don't associate with social whores like that.

I've waited so long in my life to find a group of people who liked the stuff I did, how could I not be excited?
Of all the dozens and scores of friends I've had since I was a child, only 1 is interested in comics. And he doesn't read them anymore. The people who have gotten into them that I know outside the forum just don't understand my passion. I have maybe 1 or 2 people I met outside the forum that really like this stuff. So you can imagine how difficult it is to not have someone to talk shop with.

I've been so off with my podcast though, and I feel bad. I left my cohost in the dark for a while. It's not okay, and I'm still working on keeping in touch with people and stuff. I hopefully will get it down someday. Someday soon.

That's it, I'm gonna go continue packing.